You don't have a job?

Originally posted: 16, January, 2015

I don’t often embark on the story of my employment history. The reasons are numerous, but honestly? Much of it is touchy business and the two-step fox trot and boggy is not a dance I like to employ when wishing to be candid. I have remained friends with many of my previous co-workers because I did and do have strong ties with them. However, by no means do I wish my delving into the past moments to hurt any of them. I suppose this opening paragraph is acting as a form of “Caution…you enter a danger zone”.

August 2014 marked one year of being ‘un-employed’ or as I like to joke embracing freedom and poverty in one joyous leap. (insert wink) This was and continues to be one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in my 26 years of life on this earth. There are days when I regret my decision, regret for good reasons and for foolish reasons. Regret like fear is a soul-sucking monster we should endeavor more often to burn at the stake. Brass came down to brass and it was me or the job. I know some think I was/am foolish, selfish even, but if we want to get down and dirty about it (which I don’t) there is so much to the story of me, of my life. Ask me one day, perhaps after a few drinks and laughs…loosen me up a bit.

Recently someone asked me my work schedule in light of helping them with a project. They found out I no longer work at the job, and haven’t for some time, and their response was a little priceless. “Oh you don’t have a job? That must be nice.” It was hard for me not to laugh. While no longer working in the traditional sense is freeing, I wouldn’t say it is fun or as this person’s comment/tone implied all “rainbows and lucky shooting stars”.

I am a big believer that life’s struggles grow you, they prepare you for the future, they nurture the YOU God has in store for you. This doesn’t mean I smile and muscle through it. If I muscled through it…I would still being working a regular 9-5 gig. While I might not love the cards I was dealt, I can’t hate them either. My previous work taught me many things and it provided experiences I never would have gained otherwise.

But yes, I don’t have a job. Yes I worry about money on a weekly, if not daily basis. Yes I am consumed with thoughts I may be stuck where I am FOREVER. Yes I am free. Yes I am blessed. Yes I am a mixed bag of tricks and kicks. Keeps you guessing, right? (insert wink)

I don’t have a job in the traditional sense.
I am self-employed and rely heavily on my family to help see me through this phase in life. Oh Lord how I hope it is a short phase of life…I am not a patient person AT. ALL. Humble should be a four letter word because let me tell you this phase is also humbling. Someone is breaking my pride stick, which I didn’t know I carried around in public let alone privately.

I am self-employed.
I am my own boss. *Looking at myself in a mirror* “How about a raise or a paid vacation to Hawaii, Colorado…Portland?” I am not complaining. My purpose with this ‘little’ post (insert wink) is to let you know that being self-employed, or I like to think I am a starving artist (laugh, you can its ok), is not easy or necessarily lucky. I am blessed, but luck “ain’t got nothing” to do with it.

It is hard work, more hard work, and yes more hard work.
Guess what? It is so very rewarding! When a person out in this big world decides to purchase an item from me it is like Christmas has come to the world in a package just for me (It is winter and only Christmas for Maddie *muwahaha*). This happens each and every time without fail. You would think after a time it would get old, but it doesn’t. Even if this person purchased it with only the thought, “Hey I like this, it’s cool,” I imagine their choice is infused with love, encouragement, and this great calling to GO YE INTO THE WORLD AND CONTINUE TO CREATE. If I had a reaction video every time I sold something, it would be deafening…so turn down your volume just be safe. (insert grin)

The dry spells are a kind of sudden death card and I want to spit at them and curse them all the way to Sunday.
I can’t speak for other artists, and I do have several friends who are self-employed as well (thank you Lord for their encouragement and mutual moments of venting and, and, and…), but when I don’t or can’t seem to get any interest from the world outside my door (or my family) I want to crawl in bed and never return. Full disclosure, I know this is the wrong outlook. So my dry spells end up being a dry spell everywhere. Blogging? See ya! Status updates? Ha Ha Ha don’t make me laugh. New Projects? Say what?

Suffice it to say I feel like a tantrumming child when I react this way. I don’t know how to react differently and this I owe much to my past because I still struggle with the demons of days long ago. Which means my energy/attitude/emotion are still so caught up in this limbo junk that the dry spells are far more wounding then they should be. Is this making sense?
No amount of education is a waste…erm…right?

This time in life is most definitely a time to be learning.

–Faith *death stare*
–Asking for help – waiter send this back, it is just all wrong. I’m not good at asking for help or accepting it.
–Trying, trying, trying – the old adage of if at first you don’t succeed try again.
–Matchmaker meet Vigilance and Creative – while enthusiasm might be in the corner have a right good cry, creativity must keep up for everyone and be thinking thoughts no else can. Be the muscles and the brains of this outfit!
–U-G-L-Y you ugly…perfection – I’m still learning this one. Perfection is pretty. It is another soul-sucking monster and once you/I learn to step back and relax the tantrumming child is never going to shut up. Smack it with the ugly stick!

not my circus.png

I have no idea if this post has been enlightening or encouraging. I really want encouragement, selfishly, for myself right now. Sometimes writing it for others helps me to get out of my own thoughts and to calm down. I love being self-employed, but it isn’t a walk in the park. However, it is a far brighter day than my old job and the drama is all of my own making. It is my circus and my monkeys. (insert wink)

Yes I have a job. I create possibilities for myself and make my own plans in the hopes of throwing away the past that often seeks to erase any desires/beliefs of greatness I have for tomorrow and the next day. I always sign notes to friends and customers, “Be Bold, Be Bright, Be Beautiful!” and this means to me we endeavor to MAKE our lives thus and mine is by delivering and achieving a life as an artist, a creator in whichever form it decides to latch on and take hold of me. I hope it’s catching!

(For the record I also own a bookstore…that’s a plethora of ‘work’, but maybe not $$$ in my pocket and another story for another post.)